When I left home in the fall of 2005, I went through the typical feelings associated with leaving home. At first, I was so excited and only felt elation at growing up. After a few weeks, I started to miss home and the constant comfort of my parents, and then finally got used to living on my own. Three years pass, and I have trouble going home for any length of time, as it invariably ends in fights between my parents and me. Still, though, I was always able to go home on the spot if I needed to—the drive was only three hours from College Station, where I was living and going to University in Texas.
When I moved to Edinburgh in September, I had already made the transition to living on my own without my family, but I had to get used to not being able to text my mom or sister whenever I wanted to, or be there whenever they needed me. I figured out a pretty good system with Skype, but sometimes, it’s not all it’s cracked up to be.
A few weeks ago, my mom was hospitalized because she was having trouble breathing. Every year, she gets awful bronchitis and this year it was particularly bad, and she ended up needing the hospital to help her breathe. Needless to say, this was pretty scary for me, but even more so because I’m on the other side of the ocean. In addition, it’s usually my mom that I talk to as my father and sister aren’t really big on the whole communication thing. I felt like I was completely shut off from what was happening with my family, and it was very unsettling. To make things even worse, the doctors found out that there is something wrong with my mother’s heart—they’re not sure what’s causing it, so she has to go back to the hospital tomorrow to get a heart catheter put in. I’ve talked to her every day on Skype this week but it’s not the same as being there, or even being in the same state.
I think as we grow up we get to a point where we think we’re completely capable of leaving our families, and while it may be true that I am completely able to live apart from my family, there’s a big part of me that wants, more than anything, to be home with my mom when she needs me. I physically cannot get to my mom right now, and it is a much more difficult situation than I thought it might be. It’s strange, because even though I’m removed from the situation, I think it actually makes the stress of my mom’s condition harder for me to deal with, because I’m not able to do anything. My sheer impotence is frustrating beyond belief. Of course, my family tells me not to worry, but we all know how that is.
I’ve only had positive things to say about studying abroad, and even living abroad. The new experiences, the opportunities, the complete opening up of yourself that occurs—these are all great, but I’m finding that they may not always make up for this one incredibly powerful negative. Being incapable of being there for your family or loved ones when they need you or are in trouble is HARD. I imagine a lot of people who don’t study abroad deal with this as well, but it’s my first exposure to one of the not so hot aspects of adulthood.
Hopefully, my next blog will be full of exciting news about my mom, and how this whole thing has been an overreaction. Until then, I’ll just leave you with the advice that while life gives you the chance to be around the people you love, you should take as much advantage of it as you can. Sometimes we are granted opportunities that cause us to give up easy access to those we’re close to, and while we should jump at these opportunities, we should remember what we have while we have it.
